Ribono shel Olam.

“Heat of midnight tears.”

Mirabai* writes: “The heat of midnight tears will bring you into the Holy Presence.”

I very rarely cry. I don’t think I’ve every cried at midnight. Certainly not hot tears.

But I go to minyan pretty frequently. Doesn’t this bring me into the Holy Presence? I stand for Kedusha – aren’t I standing in Your presence?

No, I’ve never cried hot tears at midnight, but I have a sense of what she is saying: passion. I have a sense of the wholeness of the experience.

Complete and total passion. Consuming passion. Oneness. 

Ribono Shel Olam (Master of the Universe) I have had a few very difficult days. A close friend of mine punched me in the gut. Here’s what happened:
You know that it took me 3 years to gather up the courage to leave Pardes and start Ayeka. I had been there for 20 years, it was my first place of work, and I thought I would be there forever. But something kept gnawing at me from within me. You probably put it there. And so I finally left. For 3 years I had been afraid to jump and then I finally took the plunge.

Who knew if it would work? With a wife and 6 kids to support, it took a lot of guts to jump.

And then last week a close and supportive friend punched me in the gut. He simply said: “Ayeka will never take off. It is not responding to a need people have. People need money, pleasure, honor, food, etc. God is not a need, it will never take off.” Bamm. Right in the gut, practically a knock-out.

Was I nuts? Had my inner voice been crazy? For 2 days I walked around feeling like I had jumped off the high diving board without checking to see if there was water in the pool, breathlessly waiting for the crash.

And then I – still in mid-air – felt okay. I suddenly saw with great clarity what I had sensed all along – and my dear and respected friend – was completely mistaken. Totally mistaken.

You, God, are in fact, the most essential need we have. Not only do we need to connect to something greater – in the world, in time, in people – but we need to connect to our own inner self, to the stirrings of our own soul. What is human existence worth without believing that I am connected to everything and everyone else that has a soul? That I am called to a unique purpose – now and always? That I can be a soul-mate for my partner, but not if I am a stranger to my own soul?

I thanked my friend for giving me 2 days of anguish. Sometimes that’s what good friends are for.

And I felt better than ever about jumping. I still don’t know if Ayeka will take off. But at least now I know there’s water in the pool.

Shalom for now.